Dr. Suzanne Somers Explains Timestream Shifting
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What follows is a transcript of remarks delivered by Dr. Suzanne Somers to assembled employees at Sunnyside Mountain on December 10th. Introduction by Professor Jimmah Smiff, Director of Electronucleic OutaSpace Marketing.
“Ahem …
testing … one … one … one two ….
Larry, can you hear me? I don’t think this … this gawdamn thing is … wha? Well, OK then.
Good afternoon to all of you mighty and majestic Micromagoteers and welcome to the latest in our Omnilarval Luminary series of lectures by esteemed intellectuals throughout history. Today, right here in little old Sunnyside Mountain, we are pleased to present the legendary Theoretical Space-time Physicist and star of Three’s Company, Dr. Suzanne Somers! In her early groundbreaking works she unraveled the physics of time-space with Principia 2: Transmigrate the Space-Time Continuum while Shedding Muons the Suzanne Somer’s Way! and Suzanne Somer’s 50 Sexy Ultra-Geriatric PermaHoneymoon Timecruises for the Biogentically Enhanced. Heck, these are the very books I read that got me off the tour bus and into the labs. Dr. Somer’s work is of particular importance to those of you in outbuilding 12 working on the … don’t make me say it! … the “top secret” (performing air quotes) meta what’s-it that really is destined to bring a smile to our shareholder’s faces.
Wait … somebody stop me! I’m liable to droll on, but this ain’t no quarterly report meeting! Sheeit, I’m too sober for that! Ladies and Gentlemen, can you put your hands together … can you warmly welcome to our humble home, a great entertainer, a great Space-time … er, Cosmologist … Suzanne Somers!”
Dr. Suzanne Somers enters the MM Town Hall Conference Center and Recreational Complex through a trap door in the stage, which is really just a hole in a collection of folding tables, climbing out with some help from Jimmah to find her place at the podium. A 9/8 Korean clave remake of Eye of the Tiger popular in this era plays behind a looped Three’s Company clip featuring Jack fainting prat-fall style into Chrissy’s arms. Suzanne is greeted by a wall of uproarious applause.
“Thank you. Thank you so much, Professor Smiff. Ahhh… It really is great to be back at Sunnyside Mountain! I want you to know how strongly I believe in your work. When people stop me on the street to ask me how I overcame the chauvinist trappings of such a trite showbiz vehicle as Chrissy Snow to become the foremost Space-time Exercise Cosmologist, I tell them that three things helped me to find my way to the real me: exercise, bio-synthetic hormones, and the entire product line of the Micromaggot Corporation! Those three things mainly, but also the constant companionship of a Time Gnome named Quincy. Although it was Quincy who introduced me to your fantastic products, reading the works of your esteemed Dr. Kellog who refuted Hawking’s chronology protection conjecture with the release of Kellog’s Pocket Microwormhole is what lured me towards theoretical physics. What better way to solve the dilemma of time travel being physically impossible except for at the sub-microscopic level than to leverage the sub-microscopic embodiment of truth, the Micromaggot! Sadly, the secrets of Dr. Kellog’s work along with he himself and the entire Sunnyside b-rec Wednesday night softball league are lost to us now in some alternate timestream at the sub-microscopic level.
This brings to mind episode 53 of Three’s Company, “Jack Moves Out”. You see, Jack stormed off in a tiffy over one contrived misconception or another and went to live with Larry’s boss and work as his permanent cook. You can imagine how Janet and Chrissy must have felt. There is no pain greater than knowing a brilliant mind is lost to the universe. We/they knew he would return to them, just as we now know that our jerseyed time castaways still wait in slow motion for a pop fly to be intercepted by Maria Santosa in right field before heading to the dugout for a cold one where we will be waiting to cheer them in the bleachers. We must simply find the correct simultaneous realities containing nanomolecular softball diamonds.
To that end, Quincy and I have been tirelessly searching the multiverse from within our “physical constants containment dressing trailer”. Quincy likes to sip the sparkling wines of alternate French Poland and has allowed me to introduce all of my doppelgangers to the power of biosynthetic hormones, but I know he’s just stalling. One day that gnome will spill his secrets. Until then, I will cherish the time we have together and continue to publish research papers on the wonder of timestream shifting. Despite his contempt for humanity and insistence on conveying his wish to be ‘free’, he has never once mentioned the joyless pattern of exploitation my life once was before he first enchanted me with his hirsute little hands.
He’s grumbling. I hear him grumble now and as much as I hate to cut this gathering short, I must tend to my dearest Quincy before a vortex envelopes what is left of your Employee Recreation Center. Please stick around for cookies, and I promise to be back in time for the book signing and chaste orgy.
I’d like to leave you with something that John Ritter was fond of saying, “we can always do as much as we never did before the coming onslaught of the latest tribute to the emulsified neurons of the least estimable personages blighting your concrete edifices like so much rancid feculence hardening to terra-cotta cubes … say, you might think.”
Thank you very much, Sunnyside Mountain! And take your biosynthetic hormones today!”
Suzanne climbs quickly and awkwardly beneath the temporary stage as loud grumbles can be heard, well not so much heard as felt like you might a guttural disturbance. Jimmah Smiff glides across the stage in rhythm to the music while disco ball lighting fills the void left by Dr. Somers.