Directions to Envelope City
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We have received the following query from our alert customer:
Please, sir, can you tell me where to purchase an electronic letter opener?
All the best
In response:
There’s a place, a store but more like a market stall but still also kind of like an indoor mall, in a town called Envelope City. Envelope City can’t be found on any map or with any global positioning system. It can’t be found with a divining rod or Sherpa. You won’t need a parachute or collapsible hiking poles to get there. All you need is the little friend you already know so well, a micro blotch of larval white with the initials MM. He has repaired your sheets, kept your garbage disposal clean, produced enzymes in your digestive tract, exfoliated you, trimmed unwanted cilia, rid your lawn of dandelions, kept your carpet mildew free, decomposed, composed, arranged, and orchestrated your household like a piano roll to your favorite post-minimal dancing tune. Not to mention that the dishwasher cleans to a now un-paralleled degree . You thought you were going to have to buy a new one.
Now, speak to it. Whisper the words you already know in your heart as true. Watch a simple household small electrics wonder tool unfurl like a psycho-spiritual myiasis in the deepest levels of your own personal heart image and realize, “there is more”. Hear the Omnilarval MotherMaggot call to you from the farthest reaches of deep space as if she sat in the inner creases of your very own right earlobe and hummed the lullaby of a million stars crashing in your superior vena cava.
Follow her words and you will find Envelope City.
Take the inner industrial drive to the commercial district. Turn left on fifth. Do a quick U-ey around the boulevard and then take it up to sixth (sixth doesn’t go through). Park right after sixth. There won’t be any other cars. There won’t be any pedestrians. Only four abandoned stores in a strip mall, four “for lease” signs in their windows, and a vacuum repair shop. Go inside. There is a man there. His name is Renepo. Speak your heart to him. Say “Electronic Letter Opener” and begin a journey of a thousand dreams.
— MochaJeff in 2013 muthafuckas!!!